Explore the Paradox of Control

Enigmatic Smiles,

Written with StackEdit.

Beyond Control: Explore the Paradox

The paradox of control is when we try to have control of a persons behavior or situation and end up losing whatever influence we had to begin with, possibly leading to a disaster. This can cause hard feelings and disorder. Careful planning, rules and regulations help but room must be left for mistakes and life happenings to run their course. So forcing anything isn’t a good move. For myself the mindset of remaining fluid or adaptable is just about the best way to live. Also leaving room for the unexpected helps lessen the shock from it.

A paradox is an absurd statement that, when investigated or explained, may be found to be true. Like “She’s nice and has a short temper too.”

Control is the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events, like giving instructions to someone in order to reach a desired outcome.

The paradox of control would be an irrational thought that the more we try to control something, the less control we end up with.

CASE STUDY: LANIE’S FEAR

A case study revealed that a woman named Lanie had a fear that she would harm her husband while sleep walking. She tried sleeping on the couch and even with a little gate set up but her anxiety just got worse thinking it wasn’t enough. Trying to control intrusive thoughts can make them worse and may be the cause of having them more often. Something like that could be a subtype of OCD. (fear of losing control).

MINDFULNESS PRACTICE

Sitting in a quiet room, no bright lights, no phone; eyes closed allowing my mind to wander. The thoughts arise and I accept them not attaching my worth or identity to them, understanding they’ll always come and go against my will so I recognize them, maybe label them as they drift away. It’s a great first step to loosen the grip of intrusive thoughts. I think that could be a form of mindfulness.

MY DOG TOOTIE

You know, I want to control my dog, and she poops on the new rug. I tell myself and others that she, “Tootie”, won’t poop on the rug. You know what Tootie did right? Pooped on the new rug. Thats my Paradox of Control. By the way, Tootie is the best lap dog Ever!

What bothers you the most when control is out of reach? What do you think is the root cause?

UNDERSTANDING THE CONCEPT

One reason why I found it important to understand this concept was to help me with different things like:

•Fear of failure (a common cause of procrastination)

•Loss of control anger

You guessed it, they’re all related. By clearly defining the core issue, began the process of gaining freedom from such diminishing and paralyzing anchors. Recognizing and labeling that intrinsic resistance within helped in coming up with ways to combat what was keeping me from reaching my goals. Simply writing these thoughts and feelings out and the time of day helped to spot the pattern and break the chain that was anchoring me.

Procrastinating and fear of others judgment ie. social anxiety , would have stopped me from writing and posting this before. These things can hold people back for years or their entire lives. Realizing the root causes can give direction on how to overcome such difficulties.

ACTION PLAN: SMART GOALS

Being able to understand then put an action plan together turned mountains into mere hurdles. SMART goals had to be put in play:

Specific: writing this blog

Measurable: a certain amount of time or length of writing daily or weekly.

Achievable: it’s a little difficult but I can do it

Relevant: it’s part of my overarching plan to share knowledge, help others and one day profit from the things I enjoy writing about.

Time-Bound: Complete this blog by a certain date.

Did my work come out exact and perfect? No. Do I have a trajectory? Yes. I had been trying to control the act of not failing by not taking any action to begin with, aka self-sabotage. That just doesn’t work.

LOSS OF CONTROL ANGER

As for loss of control anger, it could develop from something simple and silly as:

My cell phone taking longer to load the search query than I wanted it to.

My dog continually barking and not stopping at my command. The aggressive driver behind me wanting to fill in the 3 car gap between myself and the driver ahead.

All frustrating at times, but understanding the want or need to control all these situations was eye-opening. And all of it was useless – it only brought more stress, anxiety and failure.

UNCOVERING THE ROOT

So the paradox of control would manifest itself in many different areas of my life. Uncovering this root in your own life or a loved one’s could be a real game-changer for everyone and provide the kind of growth and understanding that could lead to an improved and much greater lifestyle.

Is there a root from a thorny vine needing to be uncovered? It’s not easy. How many different ways could doing so bring forth new, positive and healthy growth?

I began keeping a tiny memo book with me to write down triggers, who I was around and where we were. Knowing these things allowed a birds eye view as to what was going on around me. Adding the new discoveries that came from with-in and writing it down was like pieces of a puzzle fitting together. A sense of accomplishment was already forming. Waking up knowing what to look out for brought a little certainty as well, (which all humans search for daily).

If anyone is reading this and connecting the dots thinking of your husband, wife or loved one, then that’s a good thing. Sharing these things would be great too. Having a sense of humor about it can help to keep life moving at a “doable” pace, you know.

THE SEARCH FOR CERTAINTY AND CONTROL

Everyone wants certainty and control; it’s natural and a part of prolonging life. But not if it immobilizes us. Facing challenges is a real sign of courage, which isn’t something we are born with but we can all possess and use regularly to achieve greatness. Yep, I said it, greatness…

Understanding the least bit of this is a building block for true personal development, psychologically, emotionally and interpersonally. Captivating achievements are possible and exponential success from letting go of trying to control unforeseen outcomes.

I cant drive my car forward looking out of the back glass. But it does help to reflect on past mistakes as to learn and better prepare for the path ahead.

Glancing back and moving forward with this new found awareness will foster an empire of resilience to advance when our minds are saying otherwise. The possibility of achieving a new level of well-being is exciting and can still be overwhelming at times – you know, new levels bring new devils. But the resilience built up will continue to compound. Keeping momentum is a good part and not forgetting what has helped from the beginning will be a bedrock.

EMBRACING ACTION AND AUTHENTICITY

I try not letting the thought of seeming like a failure to others stop me from taking action on something, even in different areas I’m absolutely new to. Those that would clown me for it, whether I’d be successful or not, aren’t people I care to be around anymore anyway, so. My preference these days are those that can congratulate and not despise a little success from another man once in a while.

Taking the Leap

So expand on that idea and present it for a test somewhere

Ask that woman you see at the coffee shop for her number and to share a pizza

Call or text that guy you think about from time to time

Some of us guys like an assertive woman, and ladies, we don’t know what you are thinking - not always (if ever)

Update that resume, apply for the job. Express your opinion and share your perspective; no need to stress over the uncertainty of tomorrow or anyone’s response. The people whose voice I used to care about is just hot air anyway. I’d rather be hated for who I am rather than liked for who I’m not. How about you?

CONCLUSION

The paradox of control is that being in control of outcomes rarely exists, and when we do have control, I don’t believe we even realize it or even care in that particular moment.

Perhaps the greatest way of gaining control is to actually let go of the desire for it…

Now that got me thinking, how about you?

William A.

View my complete profile

Powered by Blogger.